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I wasn't sure, after the first date — nervously, he talked a lot about fibre optics — and that's when lots of people give up, thinking that if there is no instant "spark", there's no point. There's a lot of crap talked about the spark. I can tell you from my own experience that sometimes it doesn't emerge for quite a while. Sometimes, people are just slow to get to know. Some of the most endearing things about Eric have only emerged over time. Besides knowing a lot about the stars and about science, he has a secret passion for romcoms, is a buyer of surprise flowers and tickets, is up for budget flights on winter weekends, and is the uncrowned prince of DIY.

It also turns out that he is the kindest man I have ever met. If I were to lock myself in the bathroom and howl like a wounded fox, as I did the night my ex made his announcement, Eric would be distraught.

He would sit on the floor and talk to me through the door, and beg to be let in to comfort me. Kindness is too often under-rated. What is also noticeable is the constant physical proximity when we are together: Not that things are simple. At the start I spent a lot of time fighting it, convinced I couldn't see anyone else until the shadow was gone.

The truth is that it probably won't disappear altogether. It wears slowly away, like other griefs, and the trick is to accept that and be happy. Sometimes, even now, the ex pops up in dreams. Sometimes we have a frank exchange and he finally sees things from my point of view: It isn't something I'd do when awake, not now, but sometimes the subconscious hangs on to things the conscious mind has put to rest. Now when I hear that people are to divorce I feel an acute pity.

Even when you are happily married, the idea of separation is sometimes quite tempting. At ordinary low points in a relationship you might think: What I hadn't expected was how much divorce would undermine the past. The doubts can begin to breed and multiply. Did he really mean it when he said "I do"? When did his heart begin to sink in response to my affection? I can drive myself mad trying to identify the turning point. But most of the time I don't obsess over these things.

Admittedly there are still bad, self-destructive days when everywhere I go, all I see is everything I've lost. Sometimes they are quite concrete things: I lost my house, for instance, and may never be able to afford one again.

Other less tangible kinds of loss strike deeper, and quantifying them is a seductively bad habit. There are times, even now, when I beat myself up because suddenly it's obvious that it must have been my fault.

Superficially, we were happy: That's the shadow that's difficult to shift. But you have to live your life as forward-facing as you can. And you learn as you go; you learn so much. I don't know if I could live with someone again. I don't assume that love will last, or look forward beyond the summer. Fundamentally, no matter what promises we make, the truth is that today is all we have. Divorce Relationships Marriage Online dating features. Order by newest oldest recommendations. Show 25 25 50 All.

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