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So now you're hit with some of these other things and you're stuck between a rock and a hard place If I stand up for myself am I being what I was? Where do I get to draw the line? How do you take control of the situation without going to the other extreme? I still think you some things more clearly then you want to admit. That internal needs to be fought where the two are more in balance. That requires selftrust, something that someone with your past would definitely be a challenge.
That's probably best done with a little professional assistance. He's very trusting and very generous and people take advantage of him. And you want him to be less trusting and less generous right? Are you sure thats what you want? I wouldnt, if I were you. His generous spirit makes him who he is. Sure, some people take advantage, but most not. As he is, you have an exceptionally good, IMHO. If he changed in the way you wanted, I doubt that you would like him. Dont try to change him, you just balance out where he is lacking, okay?
Just get him to agree to check with you first. It never goes that far. We are on the SAME team, not players against each other. This is a key point! When you argue against each other, you're each taking an individual stance and fighting for your own agenda.
Any problem which arises, no matter if it's the fault of one partner, is a threat to both of you. It should be addressed as a team two of you together against that outside influence.
If you approach problems like this, then it never reaches the point of anger and fighting. For example, let's say I leave the light on in the kitchen a sore point with DH. He'll say, "Did you leave the light on for a reason? I simply recognize that he's right, I should not have left it on. I say, "oops, sorry. Or if I'd planned to go back, I simply say so and then go do it.
Sometimes, when he's in that bitchy mood, he'll snap back, and maybe I'll snap back at him, too. At that point, one or both of us recognizes we're getting close to a breakdown in communication and we'll simply shut the fuck up, and take some time apart to cool down.
Another example if he makes a big purchase which screws up the budget that week, he tells me what he did. I might say, "Well, that's going to be a problem when I pay the mortgage! Uh oh, now what? Then we look at the budget together and figure out how to adjust things to make it work.
I have more to say about picking battles and the balance of power but I have to get ready for work now.
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