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Why is it so hard to find a friend herejust friends


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Did you know that the lonelier the person is, the more they tend to only notice extroverted people who have a great time with friends? At the same time, most friendships are superficial. People can hang out with others just to avoid being alone. If you got hurt by friends in the past, you might think that friendship is risky. What you may have missed is that these scars are lessons. They are new tricks under your belt. Bad friendship experiences are signals and new skills that allow you to filter people better.

You need new habits that are easy to implement gradually, and a set of great social skills and techniques to use. Fear of rejection is also a big block.

It can be anything: It can be anything, so never take a guess that may only discourage you. Revealing who you are and your secrets is a key part of making friends. People are used to having others talking about generalities at first. If you get good at that, you can wait and get to know people before revealing yourself gradually. At the same time, never think that people are that well-adjusted and perfect.

This is another common reason why people stay isolated. The ability to bring other people in your life and have them on your side is more powerful. Power means that you choose who you hang out with. Habits are like rivers: All you need is a set of strategic techniques that will allow you to new habits that automatically bring new people to your life. Internationally endorsed, Fight the fear book in 5 languages helping thousands around the world.

She could hear her beautiful baby crying but was frozen in the doorway unable to move. That awful mother was me 14 years ago. I hated houses that had wooden floors or skirting boards because every knot in the wood could be a spider about to crawl across me. At the height of my fear, I tried to get out of a moving car. If you think that fear is irrational, what about the fear of going to airports? Or the fear of not asking for help?

They can damage our health and even stop us from living our lives. The thing about irrational fears is that we are not keen to look at them. That gives the fear power. Fear loves negative emotions and saps up yours making your fear bigger and uglier and even more powerful. Not ideal to say the least. Fears can cause us to:. There was another who could never ask for help and another who feared people finding out who they really were. All these fears and many more can be fixed but only if we can appreciate the benefits of fighting the fear.

The first thing you must do is give yourself a big enough reason why. Go back through your life and remember all the occasions that this fear was there. I can still see the spider trapped in my hair because it had obviously been on my hairdryer. I also remember that I probably looked ludicrous in the South of France in my underwear running down the lane screaming and flinging my hair everywhere.

The poor spider had not only been flung a long way from my head but was probably destroyed in the flight. Remember the feelings, the actions, the negative feelings you felt afterwards, for me it meant that every time I picked up a hairdryer I could see a spider crawling towards my ear in my hair.

Guess how helpful that was for reinforcing my reactions and irrational fear? Really experience the fear. Make it so painful that you probably notice your heart racing, your shoulders drawing up and your breath changing. So new opportunities can come your way and instead of fearing them and what people will think of you for your choices, you can be open to;. In my book Fight the Fear: Not all of these are obvious but they all have far reaching impacts on our lives. Here are some of those ideas to help you fight your fear and get more of what you want out of life:.

For some people they really need to know why the fear started, for others all they want is to get rid of it. Learn how your fears are made and appreciate where yours came from. This means we are meant to perceive fear and either run or fight, either way our bodies jump into action creating physical responses to the perceived threat.

Look for when you first noticed the fast heart beat, the shallow breathing, the shaking hands, the redness. You have created an automatic way of dealing with this fear. It could be that it felt sensible to fear this because you had an unhappy outcome, although it is usually the case that your head has the facts and your heart is not prepared to hear them as it creates a version of the event that is far scarier than it actually was. The answer was yes! With the tools and techniques I share below.

From the many people that have contacted me after reading Fight the Fear to my clients, I know for even myself creating a tool kit is a must. This is not a bag that you physically must haul everywhere. Creating a 2-page handwritten document of why you are awesome can help. This document will be packed with achievements, successes, overcoming adversity and all of those will be full of positive emotions, actions and feelings. It is not easy to write, and I get many messages telling me so however it is a powerful reminder that you can stand up and accomplish.

Earlier we looked at how irrational fears can damage every aspect of our lives. If you were to follow the negative spiral down you can follow the positive spiral up again. I draw these individually for clients and with each action, thought or feeling we put an arrow between them. Each arrow is an opportunity to do something different. If we know that irrational fear is an automatic thought process, then we can start to see that we need to think, do or feel something different.

Top tip 3 will help with that. That means not only accepting it but feeling that it is yours to take on and change.

There are usually some negative thoughts allowed to fester in your head. There will be times when you fail. Any thought that gives power to your fear takes away power from you to fight it. Therefore, choose how you word your goal to overcome your fear carefully.

The only person that can control what we think and feel is us. I know it can feel like other people are impacting on us, however they can only do that if we give them permission to do so. If you really think about that for a moment, can you see that you have the right to think and feel anything you want right now? So, what would you choose to think about your fear? Working one to one, I can find the fear, work through it and create a tool kit of thoughts, feelings and actions that will help them fight that fear and get rid of it.

So they had a daily reminder. They were the right one for the job and they could do it. These daily reminders all come down to one key point — help you to Hack the Habit Loop. Music, environment and even smells can impact on us. Know the music that makes you feel alive and ready for anything. Try aromatherapy oils to feel positive and energised. Even choose your work environment or clothing to empower you. Changing these things is physical and giving yourself physical ideas to action can help power up your emotional state too.

The fear to ask for help is very real and has a whole chapter in my book so I know people really struggle with this.

The fact is we all need people. We are not insular by design and as such it can be tough to admit that you have a fear impacting on you. However, by sharing your fear with a trusted friend, colleague or loved one can mean that when you are feeling the fear.

It could be that you share with them the contents of your tool kit and ask their permission to be added to it. That way they know what works for you and how to best support you. One of the reasons that a fear can escalate is because we have come to accept that response. Our body reacted in a certain way, once repeated the behaviour and it became a formed habit that was accepted. Challenging a fear can be done using our body too when we appreciate that fear is actually a reaction inside our bodies.

When I was writing my book, the Cuddy Superhero pose was proved and disproved by various researchers around the world 3 times. If you have a fear of public speaking or a fear of people thinking you are stupid or a fear of what people are thinking you can look at how you speak, stand and move.

If you compare these with people you deem confident and happy in these situations, how do you look? What can you learn? What could you use to help reinforce your power and fearlessness?

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Why Is It Hard To Make Friends - And What To Do About It

Making friends -- well, really good friends -- in today's day and age is one of the hardest things to do. It's almost as if the people who were once born with wonderful traits have traded them in for a fancy car, and the kids of these parents are picking up on these bad habits. I'm not by any means speaking about everyone; I am however speaking about certain people I have come in contact with.

I have childhood friends from as far back as when I was in the playpen or the stroller, and my teenage girlfriends are still right alongside me till this day. But what I have noticed, as well as experienced, is that some of the people you meet nowadays not all of them are not as big on playing nice, doing things to help each other get ahead, giving the right advice, or even sticking to a simple lunch date.

It's like every man for him or herself -- and I'm just referring to simple things like being open, honest and trustworthy. It's actually heartbreaking to see my year-old son go through his greatest years with such a small group of friends because he feels, as I do, that "you can't trust no one.

It can be fulfilling to have friendships on different levels. Most importantly, keep and open mind and stay active. Just like in dating, someone has to make the first move. Stories You May Like. Get more stories like this in your inbox! Sign-up to get a daily batch of tips, tricks, and smiles to make life a little easier.

Or else you might hit it off instantly, but you never hear from them again. Finding a true friend takes time. You should realize that a friend you have earned with a lot of hard effort is commonly a true friend. Keep an open mind about who you hang out with. When you're trying to make friends, being picky is not a good strategy. Your initial goal is to meet as many people as possible, so talk to everybody and keep an open mind. This will help you determine about people's personalities and know who to stay away from and what good characteristics should be present in a good friend.

Even if you meet someone who looks or seems like someone you'd have nothing in common with, talk to them and give them a chance. They might turn out to be your truest friend! You're not going to know a true friend at first sight - you'll have to get to know them first - so consider every possibility!

Even if your first attempt at putting yourself out there isn't as successful as you had hoped, don't despair! People can take a little while to warm up, so the second or third time meeting someone might go a lot better than the first. If you invite someone to hang out, don't be upset if they can't make it. Chances are they have a genuine excuse, it's not because they don't like you. Give it a week or two, then ask again.

Sometimes it just won't work out with someone and that's okay. Consider it a practice run for when you meet the real deal. It takes time to really get to know someone, especially when you're looking for true friendship. If you continue to put yourself out there and make an effort to hang out with as many people as possible, eventually you'll find someone you genuinely connect with.

Be realistic about how much time it'll take to really get to know someone. Sure, you might hit it off and feel like you've known someone for ten years rather than ten minutes, but usually it'll take much longer, depending on how often you hang out. In the right situations, you can make new friends very quickly - like when you start college, move to a new city, or join a sports teams.

The first step in getting to know a potential friend is to strike up a conversation. Believe it or not, very interesting conversations can start up with, "The weather is sure cold! Another way is to find out a little bit about them and their interests. Once you get started on an interesting topic, the rest will come naturally.

Try making a general comment or asking a question about something generic, just to break the ice. For example, "Great party, huh? Show that you're interested in what they have to say. Even if you find their speech boring, try to appear concentrated in order to not hurt the other's feelings.

Find out about their interests and hobbies. If you can find something you have in common, the conversation will flow more freely. Get their contact information. If you hit it off with someone, make sure to get their contact information before you part ways, you'll need it if you want to organize to meet up with them again. Get their phone number or email address, or ask if they're on Facebook. It doesn't matter as long as you have a way of reaching out to them.

Be sure to give them your contact details too. They might just invite you to do something fun. Invite them to hang out. Here is where a lot of people falter.

It's fun to meet people once and make friends with them on Facebook afterwards, but you won't develop a true friendship unless you take the next step and invite them to hang out. Hang outs are not necessarily about going to Starbucks and buying a Coffee Espresso for both of you! Try new and fun ideas, like consider going on a long-drive if you have a car. You don't need to invite them to do anything special, just ask them if they'd like to go for a drink or hang out at the beach. Even if they can't make it, they'll probably be flattered you asked.

Try again in a week or so. Let them have their space otherwise they will think you are too clingy. It's good to make your own plans to meet up with people, but if you get an invitation it's even better. Think of it as an easy opportunity to get to know someone better or meet more people. Accept every invitation that's thrown your way, even if it's to see a movie you're not interested in or to play a sport you don't like. Once you're there, you will be glad that you made the effort. You don't want to get a reputation as the person who never shows up for anything.

That's a surefire way to never get invited anywhere. If you really can't come, explain your reasons to the other person funnily and in such a way that they realize you aren't refusing to your own option but on a real excuse. Give the relationship time to grow. Deep, meaningful relationships don't just blossom overnight - you need to nurture them and allow them time to mature. Once you've made the initial steps and established a routine of hanging out, just repeat, repeat, repeat.

To become a true friend with someone, you need to hang out fairly often, keep in touch, enjoy good times together, and get to know each other on a deeper level. Look for someone you can have fun with. A true friend is someone that you have a great time with. You should be able to make your own fun, laugh together, get in trouble, and genuinely enjoy one another's company.

It's not necessary that you have to laugh with your true frienddeep and meaningful conversations for a long period of time are usually are helpful to nurture a friendship. Look for someone who will be honest with you.

A true friend will always be honest with you, no matter what. It doesn't matter whether it's about something trivial, like whether your outfit looks good on you, or something life-altering, like if they found out that your partner is cheating on you. A true friend will never keep you in the dark.

They just invest so much in each other. Men often accept a little grit in the ointment – one can tell a male friend to fuck off without losing his friendship. Female friendships can struggle when the faults in either party begin to surface. Friends, like marriage partners, love each other, but they must also be allowed to hate each other sometimes. Last week, I shared with you a new study how hard people find making friends. Today, I wanted to go into 5 reasons why I think that’s the case. By knowing the why of the issue, you will have an advantage for overcoming that so-called difficulty and develop the friendship and social life you want. Mar 25,  · Making friends -- well, really good friends -- in today's day and age is one of the hardest things to do. It's almost as if the people who were once born with wonderful traits have traded them in.