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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. Sean "Seanbaby" Reiley was writing comedy over at Seanbaby. He's been a major influence on some of our best writers, and starting in April, he's going to be Cracked. Today, we're introducing him to some of you, and reintroducing him to the rest, with his look back at some of the most disturbingly erotic old school games. Just like orphans and tap dancing, eroticism and video games were meant to be together.
Barrel-throwing gorillas and nudity are a perfect match, and sand paintings show that even as far back as ancient Egypt primitive man has been mixing pornography with Zaxxon. But "adult game" designers often cross the line between sexily risque and fucking lunacy. Some of the things and the breasts attached to them discussed in this article may confuse and frighten younger readers. If you are one of them, please stop reading and go play any of the games where you splatter the heads off of aliens with a rocket launcher.
One day, a game designer was playing Tetris and said, "What if I was playing this type of game, but at the same time had a huge erection?
It's a lot like Tetris , only there's a naked woman on the screen as you play. Also, as you do well, the game shows you screenshots of slutty women surrounded by flowers and screaming about bubble baths. While the screenshots you earn in Bubble Bath Babes are easier to masturbate to than any of the bonus screens the original Tetris gave you, they're still not that sexy. When a badly rendered woman who clearly can't speak English is trying to seduce someone with puns about soap bubbles, it's an uphill battle.
It doesn't matter how attractive she is. Each level, the screaming women get more and more nude, losing a little bit more of their mind each time. So by the point of full nudity, you'll probably have to strap a straitjacket on her anyway. Not that anyone would know. Getting them out of their panties requires such a fantastic level of hand-eye coordination and rapid reflexes that it becomes a death trap. Because if you masturbated using your amazing dexterity, there's a good chance it'll end with a pleasure-induced brain seizure and a fucking disturbing corpse for your landlord to find.
This is a tit-based spoof of Street Fighter 2. Karate women face off in a pit fighting tournament where the winner takes home naked pictures of other women. Like in all fighting games, they come from varied backgrounds and cultures. There's a girl in a swimsuit and matching bird-shaped hat, a fat pro wrestler, a ballerina in her lingerie and a woman who's just wearing a snake.
Unlike other games where they come together for the glory of victory or the conquering of some retarded combat-dimension-thing, the fighting spirit that binds these noble warrior souls together is the fact that most of their martial art techniques revolve around showing their panties to one other. There were a lot of half-naked people already in Street Fighter 2 , so the actual game doesn't even seem unusually erotic.
Yes, I understand there is something wrong with an industry when a group of women kicking the crap out of each other in thongs is totally normal, but fuck that; I'm not a sociologist.
I'm just telling you that probably nothing in this game is going to turn you on until you win a picture of a naked girl. If you can get off to this, I hope you're reading from inside something with a good lock on it. Unfortunately, that's when it gets a little bit creepy. Before the camera pans down her strategically blurred body, there's an inept attempt by the graphic artists to make it look like the girl's winking at you.
A stupid graphic of an eyelid slides over one eye then disappears. And I don't know if you've ever seen anyone wink without moving the rest of their face, but it looks less like flirting and more like a horrible sleepy-waky baby doll with a broken eyeball.
You only earn pictures of naked women if you beat the game on a high level of difficulty, and the fact that each character has a total of three possible attacks makes it hard to keep your enemies guessing. And Strip Fighter 2 's controls are so unresponsive, you usually can't tell which of the women you're supposed to be controlling. I forgot, am I the fatty or the bird-headed Indian? And more importantly, how in the name of balls can I masturbate to either? Since it's hard to stay awake through a whole fight, you can usually only tell if you've won if you get the terrifying winking naked woman afterward.
In Burning Desire , you play the role of a naked air rescue worker swooping in to save a woman from cannibals. She's tied to a pedestal and being slowly burned to death. For your daring rescue, you dangle yourself from a helicopter and drip the fire out with one of the two rod-shaped things jutting out of your pelvis. I'm not a physiologist, but I'd like to think the one squirting all over the fire and the distressed lady's face is a fire hose and not a monstrous ejaculating penis, but because this was released as an ADULT game, I have a feeling we should all be pretty grossed out.
Two things growing out of your groin, and both of them are longer than your legs. Once you put out the fires that are cooking the woman alive, you lower yourself down to her. Her near-food experience didn't make her any less cock crazy, so she'll grab your previously unused, non-squirting rod with her mouth and hold on with her teeth as you fly away. So if you're still trying to solve the mystery that the bad graphics have given us, you're either a rescue worker carrying a fire hose and airlifting a woman out mouth-first with your penis, or you have double the normal amount of reproductive organs, one of them a handle and the other a fire extinguisher.
Whichever of those fantasies this erotic game is trying to create, unnhh! Putting out the fire takes a few minutes, and while you're doing it, the only thing natives can do is throw rocks at the strange flying machine stealing their lunch. And just like you'd expect, a rock is no match for a helicopter dangling a naked man with a groin that can put out forest fires.
The actual rescue is simple, but your only reward is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it animation of a half-monster woman sixty-nining you. There's no reason to And if riding out of the jungle biting on the end of a man's unit didn't give you a good indication of how smart this woman is, it takes this dumbass all of three seconds to find her way from your face back to the native people's cooking pot to start the whole ordeal over.
The Yakyuken Special is a complicated game. First you select from a stable of cute Japanese girls to play Rock-Paper-Scissors against. Actually, "cute" isn't the right word for all of them. Some of these girls are at least half donkey. After you pick one, she politely gives her name, measurements and age, and then challenges you to Rock-Paper-Scissors.
If you win, she removes a piece of clothing. Then there's a video of her dancing. But not a sexy, stripper dance. All the girls dance like adorable bouncing princesses.
Run away from the man with the camera--run away as fast as you can! Of course, this is a game from Japan. We should just be happy that an octopus demon didn't slither into the room and take a crap on her forehead.
The innocence never leaves these dancing girls' faces. There are times where you swear they have no idea that getting naked and dancing on a Sega Saturn is naughty. They have the same demeanor they'd have if they were performing in a talent show for their grandmothers.
That means that no matter how naked they get, you, the player, are the one who feels dirty. Here's the thing, though: That doesn't make it less hot. Because whether you're innocently smiling while you hop in your underwear or climbing a sleazy juice-bar's pole with your vagina, if you're an Asian teenager, perverted old men are going to like it.
Each strip-showdown lasts until someone loses five times. By that time, it's either game over, or you're watching a prancing nude girl spread the spirit of friendship with her smile and exposed nipples. The Yakyuken Special is unleashed! Unfortunately, this game cheats. I swear it fucking cheats. Statistically, in Rock-Paper-Scissors, you should win about half the games. Here you maybe win one out of every 50 games. If you manage to spend the time and effort required to get a girl in this game to adorably peel her panties off, you probably could have gotten laid 30 to 40 times by actual women.
The Yakyuken Special is like buying a stack of porno and only letting yourself read it if you can call a coin-flip 50 times in a row. That being said, believe this: You can lose at this game for 10 hours and spend each minute of it happy. For censorship reasons, all genitalia referred to in this particular review have had their original names replaced with the name of a vehicle.
With your Gigolo game cartridge and a little imagination, you and your Atari could go on an exciting ride into the world of street prostitution. The object of the game is to go from door to door and hump any men you find inside. When you find a customer, the game switches to an action sequence of you riding his throbbing Dune Buggy in his unfurnished apartment.
Press the joystick up to shift your Hovercraft to the tip of his Fire Truck, then press the joystick down to slide your Rollerskate back down to the base of his Speedboat.
You receive one dollar for each of these successful humps. When the John is finished with you, you'll know, because he'll kick your cheap Dirtbike out onto the sidewalk. It's then up to you have to navigate through the empty streets and return the money to your pimp's walk-up window. The only real challenge of the game comes from the fact that many random houses contain people unwilling to solicit a prostitute, and they will throw you into the street and call the police.
Then it becomes a mad scramble to escape the cops by ducking into houses and hoping someone in there will let you lay low while they pay you to bounce up and down on their Helicopter. Assuming this wasn't the Atari and the graphics DIDN'T look like two oatmeal robots humping, there's still nothing that desirable about running from house to house, jumping on strange naked men and fucking them on the carpet: You only get three lives, represented by small Paddle Boats in the top left hand corner, and you lose one every time the police arrest you.
You'll run through these pretty quickly since you can't know if anyone's interested in the affordable treats in your pants until you barge right into their house and whip out your Zambonie.
As you can see, this customer has spent so much of his money on your Big Wheel that he couldn't afford a bed. That means that if you're unlucky, a lot of games of Gigolo end without even one opportunity to sell your sweet Rocket Ship. You won't mind losing, though; since controlling the stroking of someone's Bobsled in and out of your Forklift isn't much of a reward.
Cho Aniki is a cross between Gradius and lubricated men having sex with each other./p>
Vintage plane crash lands on busy highway. Experts on what we get wrong about 'corroboration'. Woman angry with ex-boyfriend arrested for arson. Body found as Maine teacher still goes missing. Man sent ricin letters to 'sent a message'. FBI investigation into Kavanaugh was a 'sham'. Man pleads guilty to stabbing wife times. Suspect in shooting of 7 officers charged. Flash flood concerns increase in central US.
Popular beverage maker faces class-action lawsuit over 'all natural' claims. Chicago police officer found guilty in high-profile deadly shooting. Vintage airplane makes emergency landing on highway.
Brother of slain teacher meets genealogist who broke open cold case: Ex-girlfriend of DJ charged in teacher killing says she 'can't believe it': Police announce wedding DJ as suspect in cold case killing: Genetic genealogist breaks open cold case in 'a couple of days': Pennsylvania teacher's death grows cold: Teacher's gruesome death launches decades-long mystery: Renowned soccer player accused of allegedly raping model in Collins to vote 'yes' on Kavanaugh.
Entrepreneurs celebrate 'Shark Tank' show as it kicks off 10th season. In this bear tournament, it's OK to judge who is the fattest People are really getting into the a competition where their votes are valued. And that was it. There was definitely no Green Lantern movie starring, say, Ryan Reynolds in, say, Nothing to see here. Scott is named after a song by the Canadian all-girl band, Plumtree. Take that, Dan Dare. A giant swollen green head to accommodate his mighty, over-sized genetically engineered Venusian brain; a levitating chair to hump his atrophied limbs around on.
Oh, and lots of evil plotting. The Mekon has yet to be brought to the big screen, though there was talk of a Dan Dare movie, with Garth Ennis rumoured to be working on the script. And that man is… David Thewlis. Scott and a general dislike for everything and everyone he comes into contact with.
A character born of bizarre brilliance. Possessing of a bad temper, fine skills at hand-to-hand combat and a predilection for speaking in the third person. Despite numerous cross-fertilisation appearances in the likes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Flaming Carrot comics, Cerebus has never and is rather unlikely to ever make the leap to the big screen - just look what happened to Howard The Duck.
He also has incredible agility and balance. Apart from being the coolest cat on several continents, Agent Graves also serves as the harbinger of moral dilemma. Interestingly, neither Graves nor the writers pass judgment on whether taking up the offer is right or wrong. An older man in a nondescript, government official-style suit, Graves is meticulous, calculating and rarely displays his emotions.
There are few characters more original or striking literally — Hellboy punches first, asks questions — well, almost never than Hellboy, the genius creation of Mike Mignola , who uses the character as the outlet for his obsession with pulp comics, Lovecraftian horror and tales of ancient folklore and the supernatural.
For the movies, Guillermo del Toro gave Hellboy more inner turmoil and emotions, but the comics version is a blast as he investigates the paranormal in much the same way Gene Hunt investigates crime — fists first. Red skin, horn stubs, yellow eyes, prehensile tail, massive right hand made out of unbreakable stone and a penchant for cigars.
No wonder del Toro refused to make it with anyone else. His first appearance in his own comic, The Right Hand Of Doom , was actually written by industry legend, John Byrne, with Mignola restricting himself to story and art duties until he felt capable of writing his own dialogue.
Never a big-seller, Strange has consistently featured in outstanding comics, especially when drawn by Ditko and Gene Colan. Cloak of levitation, Eye of Agamotto amulet, magical abilities, orange conjuring gloves, white-tinged facial hair.
Peter Hooten played a bouffant-haired intern with magic powers in a TV movie Dr. Hugo Strange no relation. An alien symbiote with a thirst for violence and flesh, Venom started out as a living costume for Spider-Man, who thought the black-and-white threads were just that: Currently, the symbiote is not bonded with Brock, but that remains his most famous persona.
Spider-Man 3 has many flaws, and the casting of Topher Grace as Venom was one. And, even though it flowed over his skin like oil, Spidey never questioned where it came from. Usually bald, smartest human on Earth, Machiavellian planning ability and a frequent prison escapee. But unlike those green-backed heroes in a half-shell, the ronin rabbit has kept to his adult-orientated roots with a saga that comprises all manner of murder, mayhem and the odd sexy scene in an anthropomorphic version of feudal Japan.
This iconic bunny with a blade was originally conceived as a human and based upon historical Japanese swordsman Miyamoto Musashi. Highly skilled swords-rabbit with a deep-seated sense of justice and a bit of a mischievous streak. Usagi is Japanese for rabbit. Bad girls in comics are always so useful that they tend to reform and become at least semi-goodies cf: Despite strong competition, Emma has consistently worn the most striking lingerie and little else in comics — the covers for her brief solo series Emma Frost are basically porn star poses.
Extremely revealing white fetish gear, icy personality, enormous mental abilities, psychic ability, is a qualified sex therapist always useful and can now turn to diamond and be her own best friend.
January Jones takes on the, um, frosty mantle in X-Men: When Singer was thinking about making X-Men: The Last Stand , he wanted Sigourney Weaver for the role. He has had a long-term relationship with a human woman, which some have criticised as perverted or icky. A big shambling, roughly man-shaped hunk of muck and vegetation with a distinctive nose, ST is the only superhero capable of producing halluconogenic fruit from his body.
Matthew the Raven, a key character in Sandman , first appeared and died as a human being in the Swamp Thing comic. Ben Edlund was just 18 — the bastard — when he came up with The Tick , a character that may be, quite simply, the funniest superhero spoof of all time.
Blessed with a fantastic supporting cast of outlandishly-named nemeses — Chairface Chippendale, take a bow — and self-involved allies, from Die Fledermaus in the comics to Batmanuel in the tragically short-lived live-action TV show, The Tick is a lovable lunk, given to overly dramatic declarations on behalf of justice. His strength is mighty, his IQ is double figures. The second most iconic AD character after Judge Dredd himself, Johnny Alpha was the poster child for Strontium Dog, an extremely popular series about a group of mutant bounty hunters.
Alpha himself was, of course, a mercenary but despite working largely for greenbacks he was possessed of a strong sense of duty and honour.
Equally, though, Alpha demonstrated a stubbornly unforgiving streak, brooking no slight or double-cross and punishing transgressions harshly — as the vampiric Durham Red discovered to her great regret.
In Alpha was killed off in a story that martyred him in order to saves all mutants from extermination. Ezquerra was so mortified by the decision that he refused outright to draw the story and replacements were brought in to carry out the deed. Wagner later admitted that Ezquerra was right and that killing Alpha had been a huge mistake. The character was subsequently revived by both of his creators for a brief resurgence in Glowing eyes, granite jaw, distinctive metal headpiece, trademark variable cartridge blaster handgun and electroknux.
When Frank Miller began Sin City — his series of ultra-noir set in the eponymous hotbed of crime — he needed archetypes that were almost Olympian in their grandeur. This dumb brute can more than take care of himself, and fully embraces the self-destructive path he starts down when he vows to avenge the brutal murder of Goldie, a prostitute who showed him kindness, despite his face.
Marv is a force of nature, cutting a path through the corrupt power-brokers of the city, until his pound of flesh and more has been exacted. Miller killed him, but brought him back for several Sin City prequels. Not even he could stand to see the big lug truly die.
Doom in Darth Vader, and pretty much every Bond villain of the last 40 years. A truly brilliant scientist, Doom likes to combine his unquenchable thirst for ultimate power he once stole the energy of the near-omnipotent Beyonder with a bizarre double life, as the altruistic leader of the European country of Latveria. Which makes arresting him on American soil doubly difficult, due to that pesky diplomatic immunity. Toby Kebbell played him in the reboot, but the less about that one the better.
Powers is a police drama — loosely modelled on Homicide: Life On The Street — set in a world with superheroes and villains, and Deena is the rookie partner of former immortal hero turned homicide cop Christian Walker. Formerly partnered with crooked Captain Adlard, Deena is now tagging along with the upright Walker but gets in deep with Internal Affairs for her frequent recourse to violence to get information from suspects and is keeping very quiet about the way her abusive former boyfriend got mysteriously electrocuted during an argument.
Powers is currently the coolest comic that only comic book readers have heard of. Midriff-baring shirt, cute pixie-ish haircut, slight prejudice against super-powered beings and secretive about recently-acquired electrical abilities.
Writer Bendis and artist Oeming base Deena on a combination of their wives… aaahhh. His inability to look beyond the moment — he leaves such ponderings to Asterix or his smart, tree-obsessed dog Dogmatix — and tendency to fall in love with unattainable women make him one of the cutest characters on the list.
Even if he could beat up your whole family without breaking a sweat. In a very successful series of European productions, Depardieu has donned a fat suit to play him. We recommend the Menhir Express. Finding that excellence breeds boredom if not channelled correctly, Rose set about becoming a crime kingpin, hired killer and all-round roguish gadabout before dying at the age of 21 by the hands of his lycanthropic nemesis, Argent.
Effete novelist by day, criminal mastermind and world-class assassin by night. The Boulder station is to be north of Pearl Street and east of 30th Street.
At one time this commuter rail service was scheduled to commence in , but major delays have ensued. In , an initial 6-mile segment opened, reaching from downtown Denver to southern Westminster at West 71st Avenue and Federal Boulevard.
RTD , the developer of FasTracks, is partnering with the city of Boulder to plan a transit-oriented development near Pearl and 33rd Streets in association with the proposed Boulder commuter rail station.
The development is to feature the Boulder Railroad Depot , already relocated to that site, which may be returned to a transit-related use. Boulder, well known for its bicycle culture , boasts hundreds of miles of bicycle-pedestrian paths, lanes, and routes that interconnect to create a renowned network of bikeways usable year-round.
Boulder has 74 bike and pedestrian underpasses that facilitate safer and uninterrupted travel throughout much of the city. The city offers a route-finding website that allows users to map personalized bike routes around the city.
In May , B-cycle bike-sharing opened in Boulder with red bikes and 12 stations. Boulder Municipal Airport is located 3 miles 4. Government preservation of open space around Boulder began with the Congress of the United States approving the allocation of 1, acres 7.
Since then, Boulder has adopted a policy of controlled urban expansion. In , city voters approved a dedicated sales tax for the acquisition of open space in an effort to contain urban sprawl. In , Boulder created a "comprehensive plan" that would dictate future zoning, transportation, and urban planning decisions. Hoping to preserve residents' views of the mountains, in , the city enacted an ordinance limiting the height of newly constructed buildings.
A Historic-Preservation Code was passed in , and a residential-growth management ordinance the Danish Plan in The City of Boulder has created an Urban Wildlife Management Plan which sets policies for managing and protecting urban wildlife.
However, with the threat of West Nile Virus , the city began an integrative plan to control the mosquito population in that includes chemical pesticides.
Residents can opt-out of the program by contacting the city and asking that their areas not be sprayed. Under Boulder law, extermination of prairie dogs requires a permit. Also in , the city experimented with using goats for weed control in environmentally sensitive areas. Goats naturally consume diffuse knapweed and Canada thistle , and although the program was not as effective as it was hoped, goats will still be considered in the future weed control projects.
In , goats were used to keep weeds under control at the Boulder Reservoir. The City of Boulder, Open Space and Mountain Parks department manages approximately 8, acres of protected forest land west of the city in accordance with a Forest Ecosystem Management Plan.
The plan aims to maintain or enhance native plant and animal species, their communities, and the ecological processes that sustain them and to reduce the wildfire risk to forest and human communities. Boulder's main daily newspaper, the Daily Camera , was founded in as the weekly Boulder Camera , and became a daily newspaper the following year. Following many heated controversies over Colorado Daily' s political coverage, it severed its ties to the university in In summer , the Boulder Planet , a free weekly competing with the Boulder Weekly, published its first issue; it ceased publication in February Scripps relinquished its 50 percent ownership in both daily papers in early to Media News Group.
Boulder Magazine , a lifestyle magazine, was founded in Boulder is part of the Denver market for television stations, and it also receives many radio stations based in Denver or Ft.
For cable television, Boulder is served by Comcast Cable. The city operates public service Boulder 8 TV on cable high- and standard-definition , which airs, live-streams and archives council meetings; with its in-house video production facilities, it also produces news, talk and informational programming.
KVCU , also known as Radio , is another non-commercial radio station run with the help of university-student volunteers. KVCU started broadcasting in The University of Colorado Press, a non-profit co-op of various western universities, publishes academic books. In , Lund bought out Brown's share of the press, and Brown moved on to found Soldier of Fortune magazine the following year.
One of the most popular sections of Boulder is the famous Pearl Street Mall , home to numerous shops and restaurants. This four-block pedestrian mall is a social hotspot in Boulder, with dozens of restaurants of all kinds and specialty stores that include artisan shops and unique gadget shops. In the summer and on weekends, many street shows and acts can be found throughout the mall, along with street vendors and henna tattoo artists.
Boulder's traditional Downtown area, including the Pearl Street Mall, is in the western part of present-day Boulder.
During the s and s, the city grew to the east, since the west side is bounded by the foothills. Downtown is host to a variety of restaurants, bars, and boutique stores. However, it has few grocery, hardware, or department stores and is therefore more of a "shopping destination" than a neighborhood with stores supporting the local population.
Featuring some of the city's landmark stores and venues, such as Albums on the Hill and the Fox Theatre , The Hill has been the center of college life for many of the nearby sororities and fraternities. The Twenty Ninth Street retail district opened in October , located in central Boulder on the site of the former Crossroads Mall , east of Downtown.
The market was started in by regional farmers. Boulder has eight official sister cities: Landmarks representing Boulder's connection with its various sister cities can be found throughout the city.
The plaza was built to honor all of Boulder's sister city relationships. Dushanbe presented its distinctive tea house as a gift to Boulder in It was completed in Tajikistan in , then shipped to Boulder where it was reassembled and opened to the public in The mural, which was painted by Mante muralist Florian Lopez, is located on the north-facing wall of the Dairy Center for the Performing Arts.
Woody Allen's film Sleeper was filmed on location in Boulder. Pei , were used in the film. Boulder was a setting for Stephen King 's book The Stand , as the gathering point for some of the survivors of the superflu. King lived in Boulder for a little less than a year, beginning in the autumn of , and wrote The Shining during this period.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. View of South Boulder from Bear Peak. Timeline of Boulder, Colorado. Media in Boulder, Colorado. List of University of Colorado Boulder alumni. State of Colorado , Department of Local Affairs. Archived from the original on November 23, Retrieved September 1, Retrieved September 2, United States Census Bureau. Retrieved Jul 25, Retrieved June 9, United States Postal Service.
Retrieved October 20, National Association of Counties. Archived from the original on May 31, Retrieved June 7, Census Bureau, American Factfinder. Retrieved February 5, Boulder, CO Metro Area". Archived from the original on August 23,
Empire counts down the 50 greatest comic book characters in the pantheon. Head to Empire Online to read the list. Visit the new ESPN Audio player to hear your favorite shows and podcasts! A memorial will be held Monday where survivors of the deadly mass shooting will gather to heal and honor the victims. ABC News' Maggie Rulli reports.